Questions Best Left Unasked During Your College Visit

The college visit: a pivotal moment where aspirations meet reality. As you step onto campus, you're not just assessing the institution; you're also being scrutinized as a potential addition to their community. It's a dance of impressions and expectations, and missteps can have lasting consequences. Here are some questions that, while perhaps amusing in other contexts, are best left unasked during your inaugural college exploration:

• To the School of Music Dean : "While browsing Ancestry.com, I discovered potential family connections with two of your faculty members. They're unaware of this relation, but if I provide the Ancestry.com results, could we qualify for the faculty-family reduced tuition plan?”
• To the College Visit Student Guide : "Does the student health clinic provide free birth control?"
• To the School of Music Recruiter : "Your institution boasts a globally acclaimed engineering program, known for its selectivity in student admissions. If my child enrolls as a music major with the intention of transferring to engineering, what's the timeframe required as a music major before transitioning?”
• To the Director of the Musical Theater Department : "My child aspires to Broadway, evident from her impressive resume detailing leading roles in high school and community theater. It's clear she would be an asset to your school. Before she accepts your offer of admission, I brought a contract, I purchased on legalzoom.com, the contract ensures her a leading role in at least one musical by sophomore year and annually thereafter. In return, she will prominently feature your school's name on her Playbill bio.”
• To the Chair of the Music Department : "My child wants to be a performance major, but he had a negative encounter with a private lesson teacher who demanded excessive time and energy. Can we create a customized degree plan exempting him from mandatory private studio lessons?”
• To the Band Director : "My child gets car sick. Can they skip tours and away games?"
• To the General Admissions Counselor : "Could you provide insight into the social scene on campus? My child has a history and in fact, a DUI arrest. So, I'm cautious about placing him in an environment where there may be some alcohol consumption.”
• To the Director of Choral Activities : "Can my girlfriend and I room together on choir tour?"
• To the Chair of Music Department : "I smoke pot to boost my academics. Can my professors give me a heads-up on pop quizzes?"
• To the Head of Piano Division : "Can my child only play music with white notes?"
• To the Dean of the School of Music : "We've narrowed our options to three schools. Two are conveniently within an hour's drive, while this one is a four-hour journey. I'm aware your wife hails from our town, and considering you both have no children, would it be out of line to inquire if my child could ride home with you when you visit Greenwood? It could significantly influence our decision. Can my child hitch a ride with you when you visit our town?"
• To the Band Director : "For the cost that this school is, do you provide free valve oil and mutes?”
• To the Head of the Voice Department : "I notice you hold a master’s degree, although I'm aware of your performances at the Met. How can I ensure my daughter is exclusively taught by professors with doctorates? Alternatively, is there a discount when students are taught by professors like yourself with only a master’s degree?”

On your college visit, remember you're a guest. Act accordingly. Inappropriate questions can flag your application and lead to denial, regardless of your qualifications. So, mind your manners, and save the quirky queries for another time. Your future self will thank you.